Wednesday, August 31, 2011

How We Wear It #1: Jumpsuit Edition, or I can't pee in this outfit

Dear loyal fanbase,

Don't ever say we don't listen to your requests! After receiving absolutely no thousands of emails asking advice on how to possibly pull off The Jumpsuit we have decided to indulge your behests. And so we bring you the jumpsuit, As If style.

Dumroll please.... the ultimate jumpsuit ensemble:

Jizz-in-my-eye pose optional but highly recommended (Sorry, mom)

If you do not own or cannot pull off a turband, fur vest, 3 lb necklace, and fringed heels, please do not even consider purchasing a jumpsuit. If you already did, lucky for you they sell turbans at Urban Outfitters. Since a jumpsuit is such a subtle and modest sartorial selection, it is important to pile on as many accessories as possible. Go big or go home. Note: I am seated on the floor not only because it's an extremely flattering pose but also because I was suffering from heat exhaustion after strutting around my apartment wearing fur in August. The things I do... 

However, if your desire is not to look like Khloe Kardashian (the other other sister) or the wife of a modern maharaja currently residing in Beverly Hills, continue reading...  

Ema's Take:

Jumpsuit: Cheap Monday, Necklace: The Gmizzle (again), Shoes: once belonged to a stripper in the 80's (Buffalo Exchange), Blazer: woot H&M woot.

I may or may not have a 1990s fetish and so I present to you ZEEBRA PRINT JUMPSUIT accompanied by Fiona Apple inspired choker. This look is perfect for you if: a) Scary Spice was your favorite Spice Girl, b) You have always secretly dreamed in being an extra in a low-budget porno, or c) You want people to wonder if you're wearing your pajamas out. 

And yet the best accessory for a zebra print jumpsuit is a "hand-made" mask, not for those who need to hold onto things like drinks, purses or dignity. Also make sure to use at least half a tub of castor oil on your hair to really make it shine. See above for inspiration. 

(Note: Photo has best effect if seen while listening to the 1995 hit Snakeface by Throwing Muses)

-- Ema;   Embrace the beast within you.

Kayla's Take: 

If you are like Kayla, a reluctant jumpsuit-wearer, otherwise known as someone who wants to be able to tell people you're wearing a jumpsuit while also having to point out the fact that you are indeed wearing one, look no further:

Jumpsuit: ALC, Shoes: Theyskens Theory

This outfit is ideal for so many reasons! From afar, it appears you're simply wearing a black top and black pants while also showing off your FUPA. Up close though, WOW, It's ONE PIECE! This jumpsuit is nothing if not versatile. Wear it to your court-mandated community service and then go right to a funeral, no change necessary! 

Jumpsuits are especially handy when you just simply do not have time to shave your legs; we know our fans are all busy women. (Straight men: if by freak accident you are reading this blog, I'm being hypothetical. My legs are smooth and shiny, ALWAYS). 

Yes I offer modeling lessons. Email asifblog2014, Tuesdays and Thursdays. 
Here I'm showing off my (soon to be patented) high fashion duck face 

So as you can see, As If endorses the jumpsuit. We acknowledge that it is a controversial piece and for those new to the world of jumpsuits, we have assembled some tips to help embark on your one piece journey:

  • Most jumpsuits have elastic waistbands! Perfect for holidays such as HalloweenThanksgiving EAT UP, LADIES. However, be mindful of liquid consumption (see title). 
  • If you don't want that creepy guy at the bar to hit on you, wear a jumpsuit. We promise, it works. 
  • If you are not at a Studio 54 themed party and/or do want male attention, save the jumpsuit for another night
  • Have a friend on call to help you out of the jumpsuit
  • We all have the desire to do a cartwheel in the middle of a nightclub. Indulging this urge made possible by jumpsuit. 
  • Prison chic, always in. 
  • Seriously, watch what you drink. 
And on a final note, JUMPSUITS ROCK!

*We are getting our blogger poses down; please be patient. 

1 comment:

  1. you guys are hilarious/clearly excelled in high school english class